Memoir

Ignore the killer fatigue, all the unpleasant effects of the constant stress, the headache, the personal issues of the day and pull it all together. I've got a surgical procedure to implant and ICD in an eleven year old at 7:30 AM. It requires a sure, steady hand, perfect focus and pure concentration. Make no mistakes. Got that 9 AM follow-up consultation with the 16 year-old girl and her parents explaining all the implications of her Long QT diagnosis. Will need to put on my game face and encourage the young patient and her family to see beyond the grim aspects of the disease and find some silver lining here. Try to describe how her "new" life won't be all that bad - good luck. Say all the right things - make no mistakes. Skip lunch again to be able to visit and evaluate a dozen very young and very sick children as promised. Display the big smile and happy face, try not to cry and show lots of optimism. Try to figure out how to best make their lives longer, happier, healthier, better. Choose the right therapies, prescriptions, and procedures - make no mistakes. Return all phone calls to PCPs and little patient's parents. Be kind, compassionate, caring, and patient. Eat lunch/dinner/vitamins. Forget about the sadness and helpless feelings and fall asleep so I can do a better job tomorrow. 


To dream, by definition, imaginative thoughts indulged in while awake (dictionary.princton.edu). I dreamt that someday I would wake, put on my white coat, and save the lives of thousands. I would make a difference in children’s lives but in families lives. After I conducted extensive research I discovered that only seven percent of students that apply to medical school get in (aamc.org). Instead of taking life as I go, I tend to construct my life ahead of time. When listing the pros and the cons of what my chances were to attain my medical degree I soon concluded that I was living in a dream that was anything but a reality.

I sit alone in my room, studying hard, adamant to never miss a class, but still continue to fail almost every exam. Feelings of dejectedness and heartbreak slowly consume me. I was tired, I was tired of studying, I was tired of crying, and most of all I was tired of failing. At this very moment the easiest thing for me to do is quit and walk away. I am thinking about running and never looking back. Being here, at Virginia Tech, is the only thing that I ever really wanted, and now the thoughts of not wanting it anymore where crossing my mind, could that be possible? I was struggling enough, slowly watching my dreams of becoming a doctor slip through my fingers, and now my entire college career was being swept away with it. I am 584 miles from home, from family, from anything or anyone remotely comforting. I slowly started picking up a textbook and immediately felt the sadness over come me, soon I could no longer read the words, as the liquid tears filling up my eyes, made everything a blur, soon there after my tears were slowly starting to hit the pages dropping fast and hard, like torrential downpours in April. First the words were becoming illegible, then the page in its entirety. I am losing my self; I am little by little losing who I am. The tears continually falling filling up the book as if it were an empty bucket.

The greatest thing about coming to college is that no one knew me; I could be whom ever I wanted to be. Know one had to know that in high school I got cut from the cheerleading team or that I was the girl who was the butt of everyone’s unruly jokes. I could be anyone, anybody I wanted, and not one person had to know, unless I wanted to open my heart and let him or her into the past I longed to forget. It was up to me to create my identity, my image and my reputation as a Hokie. I could learn from mistakes, make independent decisions and wisely chose how I wanted to live my life

If I have learned anything from Virginia Tech since I have been here it is that unless you try, and fail, you may have always wondered, you may have always asked “What if?”. I had to reach out and expand my horizons, only to find out that what I was once good at in the ninth grade was very different than what I excelled at now. I was able to push my way through and work hard to make it through the first semester only to discover that this was something not meant for me, something I may have never really wanted in the first place.

Today is the day I walk away from it all I get all the signatures and I am trying something new. Today is the day that I am taking a leap of faith, turning over a new leaf and forgetting what I once thought I knew. I am so nervous, maybe this is a mistake or could this possibly be the greatest opportunity for me to explore new things, and expand my knowledge far beyond the world of sciences? It is not easy admitting to myself that I was wrong, but I understand that it is ok to make mistakes and it is okay to be unsure. So today is the day that I sign off on something new.

Sometimes in life we feel as if our dreams, the only thing we had ever hoped for are shattered. That is not to say that great opportunities do not arise from them. I have learned so much from the time I have been here at Virginia Teach. I discovered that what I thought was exactly what I wanted, was anything but. I got a chance to experience something much different then before, and I liked it, in fact I loved it. When I signed the paper to leaving the college of science I thought I could potentially be making a mistake, a huge mistake. This semester is something new, different, intriguing and a breath of fresh air. I miss the thought of what could have been, but I love the thought of what is still yet to come.

The important thing to realize that hard work and struggle is not only worth it but filled with satisfaction and gratitude when finished. If everyone could just look ahead and see the finish line it is that silver lining that somehow gives you hope of a better tomorrow.